I stopped taking my antidepressant at my SO’s request. He thought it was giving me the rage issues. I had a PD appt the next week. I told him I felt better off the antidepressant and that my new therapist wasn’t sure what it is, but I’m definitely crazy (yes, that’s how I’m dealing with it).
After 3 appts with her and no firm diagnosis, she said if things didn’t improve in a few months she could recommend a psych eval. I said why wait?!? I’ve been dealing with this for 20 years – even when I didn’t know I was dealing with it. Now that I’ve been working on it for over a year with little progress, I need to know what is wrong with me. Or is my SO right and I’m just lazy…
Went to the psych eval specialist Monday. LOVED her! She was kind and not judgmental when I told her about some of my stupid decisions lately. She had me come back to finish my testing on Tuesday. Originally she said results would take two weeks. At the end of my second appt she said she would take my files home over the weekend and have results by next Wednesday. My talk therapist is on vacation for two weeks— gotta love that— so I would have had to wait until the beginning of next month! The specialist gave me a discounted rate so that I could go to her for the results. And her only open appointment is on Tuesday- She said she’d be ready for me.
I’m kinda terrified to find out the results. I’ve been very depressed on the mood stabilizers for the last two weeks. And I’ve woken up almost every morning thinking about killing myself. It’s never been this bad. When I found out that my family will be out of town for a variety of events one night next week and my first thought was, that would be the perfect time to kill myself, I called my PD and scheduled an appt for first thing this am. Luckily, he could fit me in and prescribed a new anti that works with the leveler. He said to take half a pill each day for the next week so I wouldn’t get nauseous. I said I’d rather be nauseous than suicidal and took a full pill at lunch.
Hopefully, with the new meds, the results of the tests this next week, I can finally get somewhere. My SO is still “done,” but I’m at a point where I cannot care about that. I want to be happy and his attitude/behavior is his issue… Now if I could only believe that for a full day and not ride the roller coaster of doubt…
functionalbpd 