At this point my SO still hasn’t talked to me more than a word or two. I asked if he wanted to discuss the diagnosis, he said not right now. I am trying to see things clearly, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t believe it or thinks it’s just an excuse.
Why would anyone want that stigma attached to them? Does he really think that I’m faking a mental illness to get attention? My actions and my words have been incredibly hurtful in the past. Maybe it’s just to late for us.
One thought I’ve had over and over the last couple of days is that I wish I had some physical illness instead. I’m already getting the feeling people think I’m making up my bpd or that I could just suck it up and “cure” myself. If I had cancer, people would believe me when I told them the diagnosis. They wouldn’t tell me to heal myself or expect me to keep the cancer under control by pure will.
BPD isn’t a choice. It isn’t something someone says they have so they get attention. I don’t like losing control of my emotions or lashing out in a rage or not knowing who I am – I don’t like feeling like a small child emotionally. I can keep it together through a lot, maybe that’s the problem.
The song Peace by O.A.R. explains how I feel right now very well:
I don’t wanna fight no more
Only wanna get to shore
Baby, don’t slam the door tonight
We ran another off the tracks
That’s time we can’t get back
But, we can save tomorrow if we try
Oh, ’til we make this right
Oh, I won’t say, “Good night.”
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace
Everybody needs a place
Somewhere that’s warm and safe
A shelter from this crazy world we’re in,
But tonight I let the rain inside
And took away your place to hide
I’m sorry that I made you cry again
Oh, we can make this right,
Oh, kiss me good night
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace
Yeah, I want peace
Oh, we don’t have to fight
Oh, just kiss me all night
‘Cause I want peace, yeah
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till you fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace,
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace
……………….
I want me, I want peace are the two most important – but I’m determined to get healthy and have it all!