Physically Ill

At this point my SO still hasn’t talked to me more than a word or two. I asked if he wanted to discuss the diagnosis, he said not right now. I am trying to see things clearly, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t believe it or thinks it’s just an excuse.

Why would anyone want that stigma attached to them? Does he really think that I’m faking a mental illness to get attention? My actions and my words have been incredibly hurtful in the past. Maybe it’s just to late for us.

One thought I’ve had over and over the last couple of days is that I wish I had some physical illness instead. I’m already getting the feeling people think I’m making up my bpd or that I could just suck it up and “cure” myself. If I had cancer, people would believe me when I told them the diagnosis. They wouldn’t tell me to heal myself or expect me to keep the cancer under control by pure will.

BPD isn’t a choice. It isn’t something someone says they have so they get attention. I don’t like losing control of my emotions or lashing out in a rage or not knowing who I am – I don’t like feeling like a small child emotionally. I can keep it together through a lot, maybe that’s the problem.

The song Peace by O.A.R. explains how I feel right now very well:

I don’t wanna fight no more
Only wanna get to shore
Baby, don’t slam the door tonight
We ran another off the tracks
That’s time we can’t get back
But, we can save tomorrow if we try

Oh, ’til we make this right
Oh, I won’t say, “Good night.”

I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace

Everybody needs a place
Somewhere that’s warm and safe
A shelter from this crazy world we’re in,
But tonight I let the rain inside
And took away your place to hide
I’m sorry that I made you cry again

Oh, we can make this right,
Oh, kiss me good night

I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace

Yeah, I want peace

Oh, we don’t have to fight
Oh, just kiss me all night

‘Cause I want peace, yeah

I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace

I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till you fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace,
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace

……………….

I want me, I want peace are the two most important – but I’m determined to get healthy and have it all!

Elated or Destroyed?

I wasn’t sure if I should be elated or destroyed when my therapist confirmed my suspicions yesterday – I have borderline personality disorder.

My first reaction was elation – I’m not crazy! Well, I am crazy. But I can get better.

Now, just 24 hours later, I’m starting to feel the destroyed part. Ok, it’s been coming and going over the last 24 hours. Anyone who has experienced BPD knows that the emotional flood is like turning on the shower full blast then turning it off, on, off, hot, cold, on, off, turkey!

My SO and I have even having issues for a long time. We’ve been together 20+ years. With all of the reading I’ve been doing on BPD, a 20 year relationship is impressive. But after my last rage fit five days ago, he told me he was done. He couldn’t take it any more. My therapist told me about BPD yesterday. She had been suspecting it for a while – gee, would have been nice to know this earlier.

Now that I can look back at all of the fights, the rages, the lack of trust, the “miscommunications,” his terrible behavior, I realize that it was all what I was seeing through the lens of BPD. Without the BPD lens, I am can see how horrific I’ve been to my SO for so long and wish there was some way to have gained this insight years ago.

My SO is an amazing man, he deserves the best in everything. He has supported me, loved me, put up with my sh!t for a long time and all I’ve done is crapped on him for most of our relationship. (Yup, gotta love that bpd trait of either black or white, nothing in between.)

The REALLY sucky part of the diagnosis is that I’m a functional BPD. No one, aside from the very few people I have let close enough to me, would ever believe me if I told them about the diagnosis. I’ve had a fairly successful career, raised three amazing children and have never shown my true self to many people – mainly because I have no idea who I am and whoever I am, I must be deeply flawed.

So now when I am getting ready to start with a new therapist (my previous therapist does not do BPD), I know I’m going to need support getting through this.

But I’m afraid that the friends I tell will think it’s just another way I’m trying to get attention or it’s just other drama game so everyone will pity me.

I’ve been misdiagnosed before and thought I was getting better. Then lost my sh!t over something stupid again and had my SO feel like my progress was all a lie and I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I’ve been told to grow up, suck it up, you’re behaving like a 2 yr old… I could go on and on.

So who’s going to believe me now? It’s been 24 hrs since I told my SO, who is still not speaking to me since I lost it 5 days ago.

Right now I feel crazy and scared.